Friday 6 January 2017

Real Roguelikes for Real Men

Do you want a nice evening with an accessible, fun game? No? Well how about graphics? You know, that thing we've had since the 1980's. Not those either? Ok, so what do you want? Insane complexity, fridge logic, face-shattering difficulty and a learning curve so steep it curves backwards on itself?

WARNING:
These games are for TRUE MEN* only. If you are not a TRUE MAN, turn back now or have your puny mind destroyed.


  • Cataclysm: Dark Days Ahead
    • Post-apocalyptic setting. Enjoy: disease, cybernetics, aliens, fungi, looting abandoned stores for week old sandwiches and freezing to death. Protip: installing cybernetics requires surgery. Protip 2: Performing surgery on yourself is a bad idea. 
  • NetHack
    • Do you want a rougelike so crazy, it understands elvish? Do you want a rougelike so brutal, it basically requires you to know elvish to survive he first few floors? I thought so, Protip: Go do something useful with your life.
  • Dwarf Fortress
    • Because you definitely need tendon level muscle simulation in a top down base management game.
    • True Stories Bro:
      • Elephants digestive systems weren't large enough to produce the calories said elephant needed to stay alive. Result: Crazed starving elephants.
      • Patch tweaked few variables. One of them was the melting point of the subdermal layer of fat just below a dwarf's skin (yes of course subdermal fat is accurately simulated, What do you think this is, COD?) Result: Dwarves began to melt in moderate sunlight.
    • PROTIP: If you find unbreakable basalt pillars, stop digging. Much FUN awaits below.


























*
List of thing that preclude you from being a true man:

  • Enjoying romantic comedies
  • Talking to girls (you homosexual)
  • Being a pineapple
List of things that do not preclude you from being a true man
  • Being gay
  • Being a woman (but you have to be extra awesome to qualify)
  • Being a gay woman
  • Being a gay woman who likes Anime
  • Liking Anime

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